


Half My Life

by traccigaryn



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Angst, Chakotay Needs a Hug, F/M, Hopeful Ending, Hugs Solve Everything, Kathryn Janeway Needs a Hug, Podfic, Podfic & Podficced Works, Podfic Length: 10-20 Minutes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-24
Updated: 2020-05-24
Packaged: 2021-03-02 19:40:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,195
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24352231
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/traccigaryn/pseuds/traccigaryn
Summary: It's been 20 years since Voyager returned to Earth, and Chakotay has built a life and career to be proud of, but two old friends remain as estranged as ever. A long silence comes to an end at the Anniversary Ball.podfic version included
Relationships: Chakotay/Kathryn Janeway
Comments: 33
Kudos: 80
Collections: Kathryn Janeway Needs A Hug





	Half My Life

**Author's Note:**

> This story is set the year before the events of Picard S1 and is compliant with the canon it established. 
> 
> Thank you to @coffeeblack75 for the lovely beta and the assurance that, yes, this story really does work.

[Tracci Garyn](https://soundcloud.com/user-835906820) · [Half My Life](https://soundcloud.com/user-835906820/half-my-life)

* * *

_He would not stay for me; and who can wonder?_  
_He would not stay for me to stand and gaze._  
_I shook his hand and tore my heart in sunder,_  
_And went with half my life about my ways._  
- _A.E. Housman_

Chakotay swiped his hand down the mirror, whisking condensation from the shower away to reveal dark, wrinkle-lined eyes staring out at him. He leaned heavily on the edge of the sink. He'd been too preoccupied before his shower to start some music, so other than the quiet hum of the environmental system, the house was unexpectedly silent. In moments like this, he felt the weight of that silence, the weight of every one of the 20 years since _Voyager_ 's return to Earth. 

He had been preoccupied a lot lately, if he was being honest with himself. He'd commanded a starship for over a decade, and he was nervous at the thought of a party. But it wasn't just any party. It was the Anniversary Ball, planned ostensibly to commemorate _Voyager_ and her crew. 

He had no wish to be feted by Starfleet. Twenty years ago, _Voyager_ 's return had been used as a distraction after the Dominion War, and he knew it was happening again. The destruction of Romulus and the Synth Ban had cast a long shadow over the Federation, and the politicians and brass were always looking for any excuse to recall the good ol' days. 

Only the chance to see old friends kept him from politely declining the invitation. 

Chakotay brushed his hair away from his tattoo and back into its customary crew cut. The style might be the same, but grey had overtaken the black long ago. It made him even more recognizable than ever, but he saw no reason to alter himself. People would talk no matter what. He opened his basic tactics class with a lecture about Berlin's essay on the fox and the hedgehog every semester, and there was no controlling the chatter amongst the cadets later, each of who thought they were the first to whisper "silver fox"to each other. He'd learned to pretend he didn't notice; the only person he wished would notice never spared him a glance anyway. 

Still, he'd been amused last year when Miral had dropped by his office after that first class to rib him about it. He slyly commented on her own apparent attempt to make her time at the Academy as adventurous as her parents' had been, what with how boldly she had waltzed into a professor's office to tease, and they'd gone off to grab lunch. She was in her second year now and an outstanding student. He was incredibly proud of her, both as her adopted uncle, and as her Academy sponsor.

"Wouldn't it be better to ask … someone else?" he'd questioned B'Elanna after they'd floated the idea past him at a get together.

B'Elanna had fixed that hard glare on him and pulled no punches. "Would Kathryn's name on her paperwork impress the Admissions Committee more, do you mean? Yes, I'm sure those petaQ would love that. But you're the one who understands, Chakotay. Who knows what it means to have to fight and to reconcile your heritage and your duty. She wants it to be you."

Smiling at the memories, Chakotay left the bathroom to stand in front of his closet. His dress uniform hung in its customary place. He pushed it aside to grab the next hanger. His tux. He didn't have much reason to wear one, but it still fit. And tonight it would send a message. The word had spread quickly among the former crew: Starfleet might be sponsoring this shindig, but they were attending as family. 

He finished dressing and took one last look at himself in the mirror. He looked composed, no sign of his inner turmoil. At least he hadn't lost that knack for hiding his emotions. 

* * *

Tuvok and Harry met him at the transporter site, having just beamed down from _Voyager._

"Tuvok." He greeted his former first officer with a solemn nod. 

"Commodore," Tuvok intoned. "It is gratifying to see you again after all this time." 

"Harry managed to pick you up from Vulcan okay, I see."

"Indeed. I had taken the precaution of arranging alternative transportation in case he failed in his assignment, but he was successful despite himself." In those early years, Tuvok's humor had been subtle and spare, but Chakotay took great pride in having corrupted him a little more, at least where Harry and Tom were concerned. 

"Hey now," Harry protested. "Ganging up on me is unfair." 

Chakotay gave him a quick hug. "Probably. Doesn't mean we're going to stop, though." 

He had missed these men. Theirs was a special bond, the _Voyager_ command team after … well, after. 

Tuvok had been his first officer for more than 10 years. They had learned to respect each other in the Delta Quadrant, but they certainly hadn't been friends. Yet when it came time to choose his own replacement, Tuvok had been the only officer he'd considered. They worked well together. A very different team than he and Kathryn had been, but he had valued Tuvok's input as well as the friendship they had forged. It had provided Chakotay with endless amusement, being seen as the impulsive one for once. And one night, when he couldn't fight his growing need to be on the ground again anymore, it had been Tuvok who'd encouraged him to contact the Academy about a teaching position. So he had gone to Earth, Tuvok had gone back to Vulcan, and Harry Kim, finally no longer an ensign, had succeeded him as _Voyager_ 's third captain. 

Chakotay could hardly picture him as the green young ensign he'd met all those years ago. Kathryn had reenacted her first meeting with Harry for him once, late one night in her ready room when they were both at that punchy stage of fatigue when everything was funny. "At ease before you sprain something," she'd laughed in that husky voice of hers, and oh, how he'd wished they could be at ease together, sprawled on the couch in another kind of tired.

He had led a full and fulfilling life. But _Voyager_ — her first journey — had been the time when he had learned to stitch together all the disparate pieces of his spirit and be at peace. 

"Hey Chakotay," Harry said lightly, recapturing his wandering thoughts. "Ready to be the center of attention?" 

He let out a sigh. "Guess we can't put it off any longer, can we?" 

They walked the short distance to the reception hall. It helped settle his disquiet. He was in the company of friends and about to see more. This was why he'd come tonight. And maybe ...

Tom and B'Elanna stood near the entrance with the Doctor waiting for them. The couple had left Starfleet to start up their own engineering firm, building everything from leisure craft to starships. They were always busy, but B'Elanna still managed to find the time to help the Doc keep tinkering with his holomatrix. To everyone's surprise, the vain man had decided he wanted his appearance to age along with the rest of them. 

There were hugs and jostling as everyone greeted each other. In the midst of the merriment, Chakotay found the Doctor. "Seven?" Chakotay quietly asked.

The Doctor shook his head. "No one's heard from her. I don't think she's coming."

He gave the Doctor a squeeze on the shoulder. Seven had gradually distanced herself from everyone after their return, disappearing entirely after Icheb's death, and he knew she felt betrayed by the _Voyager_ crew somehow. Her life in the Fenris Rangers was hard, and there was no room for the softness of old friends there. They hoped she was well. They worried she wasn't. 

Then he was surrounded by young men and women. Miral. Naomi. Joe Carey's two boys and the Ayala twins. The next generation who were making him as proud as their parents had. 

He looked up, a grin splitting his face, and his breath caught.

She was here.

She wore a long, diaphanous dress of royal blue. It left her shoulders bare. She had let her hair grow long again after their return, and the strands had paled to a becoming blondish grey. Tonight it was tucked up into an elegant chignon, a few strands artfully framing her face. 

He watched her hugging and teasing her crew, advancing ever nearer, but never casting a glance in his direction. She was almost to him. He thought she was going to turn away, to pass him by like she always tried to do, but they were caught in the harsh glare of a holoimager's light. Some intrepid reporter had trapped them on camera, and there was no escape. He pasted an official smile on his face, the same one he always saw reflected on hers when they couldn't avoid each other at Starfleet functions. 

Except she must have felt the presence of the holoimager forced her hand. She inhaled. Then Kathryn stretched onto her toes — she had stopped wearing those heels at some point — and her arms slid around his neck. Of their own volition, his hands lightly circled her waist.

In 27 years, they had never hugged. Their lips had never touched. Their private thoughts never escaped the bonds of duty. And since their return, they had hardly spoken. 

Yet, as they stood there, caught in the public's eye, he felt something long fettered give way again. She let out a soft sigh, and he pulled her closer, lifted her slightly, and her toes brushed across the tops of his shoes as she left the ground. 

"Hello, old friend," she whispered in his ear. There was a pause, and then her arms tightened. "Oh, Chakotay, hello." 

He drew back to look into her eyes, and he felt his mouth move, shape the syllables of her name, but no sound escaped. 

The blue eyes that met his shone with a softness he had not seen directed at him in decades. He had told himself he had grown used to their indifference, that he accepted it. But he hadn't. Of course he hadn't. He opened his mouth to try to speak again.

"Admiral! Commodore! Just the people I need!" An excited young Bolian man hurdled toward them through the crowd. He heard Kathryn give a tiny growl, and a bark of laughter escaped him before he could stop it. As her arms slid from his neck, as her body slid down his, she pinched him just hard enough to sting. "We're not finished, mister," she grinned. Then she turned and was Admiral Janeway once more. 

The welcome and the speeches passed in a blur. He heard clapping and cheering from the crowd, but he heard it as if from a long distance. Kathryn was the only thing in focus. Kathryn in her dress. He circled the room saying hello to everyone, recognizing no one. He could sense her from across the hall, feel their silent orbit of each other, her eyes on him.

Then a small hand on his back. "Come dance with me, Chakotay." 

He followed her to the center of the room. His hands automatically swept her into movement, and still he felt sure he was not really here. He was back in his bathroom, staring into his mirror and daydreaming. Kathryn had stepped off _Voyager_ 20 years ago and stepped out of his life without a backward glance. 

Hell, he'd gone back into space because he thought she wished him to the devil. Three months after _Voyager_ 'sreturn, he'd been back on the bridge and lost in the Alpha Quadrant. She'd ignored every attempt he made to get in contact with her. Her new assistant politely scheduled and rescheduled every meeting request. So he had left. Time passed, but her indifference only grew. Eventually he found solace and pleasure in his work. He found Talia, and they had many good years together. Good, right up until she'd kissed his cheek and wished him good luck and goodbye.

He'd washed up on the shores of teaching and found a new purpose. He was well-respected by his colleagues and adored by his students, whom he taught to think for themselves. And Kathryn was so close, the same campus, yet never further away. He watched her with Joran, Admiral Janeway with her handsome companion. She made time to see every other member of their crew except him. So he sustained himself on the scraps they willingly gave him. Sometimes he wasn't sure who wanted to heal the fracture more, him or their crew. 

Oh, they had seen each other from time to time. They'd exchanged pleasantries in the corridors of Starfleet Command, and sometimes there were moments when it felt like the chronometer had run backward, but he knew what a real connection with Kathryn Janeway felt like, and that … that was just an echo, reverberations from a chasm visited long ago. 

"You still haven't said a word." Kathryn's rich voice cut into his memories. 

He looked down at her and cursed himself. She had made an overture, and he was too busy woolgathering about the times it hadn't happened before.

"I'm sorry, Admiral," he started.

"Kathryn? Please?" she asked, and there was a vulnerability in her eyes he hadn't seen since their early years in the Delta Quadrant and she had first honored him with her trust.

"Kathryn," he agreed and clasped his hand around hers more firmly. They continued to circle the room, the orchestra playing spritely. Her eyes were caught by something beyond his shoulder, and she gave a sudden laugh.

His lips quirked into a responding smile. "What?"

She rotated them slightly faster than the music dictated so he could see too. Harry stood next to Tom and B'Elanna, and all three were watching them with absolutely rapt attention. Tom, who had somehow never lost his boyish energy, was practically vibrating at B'Elanna's side. And Harry …

"Harry has found a way to bring you up in pretty much every conversation we've had over the last 20 years," Kathryn told him. "He looks like he's having kittens right now."

Without thinking, he tugged her closer and laughed into her hair. "I always thought Harry's favorite topic of conversation was you. That's how he made me feel every time we talked." 

Their eyes met. 

"Wanna get out of here?" she asked with an evil grin.

"And rob them of their show?" he responded in a tone no one could ever call innocent. "Absolutely."

She stepped out of his arms, but left her hand in his, towing him with her toward a side door. Outside, the air was crisp and biting.

"Oh, right. It's December," Kathryn laughed and shivered.

Chakotay removed his jacket, draping it over her shoulders. She snuggled into the fabric and settled onto a bench. A hand escaped her cocoon long enough to pat the seat beside her then disappeared again.

They were older and softer, and her incandescence still overwhelmed him. 

"It's so good to see you—" he began.

"—It took me a long time to crawl back to myself after we got home," she cut him off abruptly. "I barely recognized myself." Her words were flowing fast, like she was worried stopping them for even a second might stop them forever. "The remnants and tatters of Kathryn Janeway were scattered across the Delta Quadrant, and the transwarp conduit had slammed closed behind us. By the time I finally managed it — by the time I could look up and beyond myself again, well … everything had changed. The crew was scattered, Starfleet was in tatters, and you were gone. In space. With Talia."

Chakotay had nearly forgotten what it was really like, being caught in the maelstrom that was Kathryn. So much for taking things slow. 

"And then I was with Joran," she continued. "Do you want to know why I ended things with him, Chakotay? Everybody always does." 

She clearly wanted to tell him, so he just cocked an eyebrow at her.

"He asked me to marry him," she said. "He made me laugh. He let me be. But when it came right down to it, he was just … company."

"Talia said it was because I didn't need her."

They sat in silence for a long moment.

"We made no promises, Chakotay."

After all these years, she just came out with it. After all these years, they were finally going to talk to each other. Damn, he had missed her. "Maybe you didn't, but I did. You shut everybody out, Kathryn. But I should have tried harder —"

"All that would have done was made it worse. I was so certain I had to do it all alone. There. Here."

"But you didn't," he said.

"But I didn't," she said. "I'm sorry it took me so long to figure that out. And I'm sorry that it took me even longer to admit it."

"I still don't know what caused you to say it tonight," he confessed. "I came tonight hoping — I always hoped — but prepared for … Why after all this time?"

She laughed and drew his jacket tighter around her. "I had an awful day. The Admiralty is … struggling like it has for so long. I just wanted to go home, and the last thing I wanted was to put on a dress and smile. I was going to make an appearance, kiss a few babies, and sneak away again. And there you were. When you held me … it felt … better than the comfy PJs and coffee ice cream I'd been thinking about. Better than anything. I can't control much these days, but I can control myself. I've gone after everything else I've ever wanted in life. Except you."

Chakotay pulled her against him, back where he'd wanted her all night. Her arms went around his waist. His jacket slipped nearly off her shoulders. 

"Admiral! Commodore! I've been looking for you everywhere!" It was the same eager, clueless Bolian who had been herding them about all night. "The closing speeches are starting."

Kathryn peeked over his shoulder but didn't otherwise move. "Yes, Lieutenant. We'll be with you in a minute." Her tone was polite but firm.

"But —" 

"In a minute, Lieutenant."

Chakotay bit back a grin. The Admiral had spoken. The chastened Bolian scurried away.

"Do you have plans for tomorrow?"

He thought of the papers he was grading, the chair he was crafting. "Nothing I wouldn't happily postpone for you," he said.

"Invite me to lunch. We have so much to talk about." She hesitated. "If you want to talk, I mean." 

Chakotay stood and extended his hand to her. As she rose, he entwined their fingers and his other hand came to rest on her hip. His thumb traced a line, back and forth. "Kathryn, come have lunch with me tomorrow."

She placed her free hand on his chest, and it was like his heart started beating again for the first time in years. "I'd love nothing more."


End file.
